What's Here Now? Out There
Over the last few months, as more and more of us get vaccinated and we can go places and be with people again, I've heard a lot of half-whispered, wistful statements like, I'm going to miss these times.
The people who say this to me are often the same people who shared with me at the beginning of the pandemic, I kind of like having to stay home, also delivered in shushed voices, lest a spouse or roommate (or dog) overhear them, because, they think, maybe it's not okay to feel this way (although our dogs can totally hear us and they very much think we should stay home forever).
What do we mean when we say we'll miss the pandemic? Definitely not the illness, loss, anxiety, and terror. It's been rough going for a lot of us. While lots and lots of us hunkered down at home, we know that plenty couldn’t. We worried about those who worked in grocery stores and restaurants, hospitals and factories, and all the other places that had to stay open to keep the rest of us safe and fed. We worried about our friends with kids, our friends with parents in nursing homes, we worried about refugees and the unhoused. We worried about everyone. And maybe that's why we our lowered voices.
What we’ll miss (perhaps)
I think what we mean is we will miss the time we had to ourselves, the poof! gone! of most outside obligations, the not having to make up excuses for why we couldn't do something (we all had the same excuse!), the being able to say how it is (I am having a hard time today; I can’t do another zoom call; my kids are driving me insane). We'll miss not having to commute to work, the freedom to dress for comfort instead of appearance. Maybe we'll miss the creative pursuits we began in our down time, or the permission we gave ourselves to have no pursuits outside of making it through the day. Maybe we'll miss the animals we adopted when we have to go back to offices and classrooms.
Maybe we'll miss who we were during the pandemic. I lean introverted and knowing that I didn't have to be anywhere (couldn't be anywhere) was a big weight off. I often feel a bit like the rope in tug-o-war, being pulled toward home and solitude, and at the same time, yanked the other way, toward all the things that the world has to offer (friends, travel, fun times). And while sometimes having to be at home got monotonous, knowing that I didn't have to disappoint anyone who might want me to be somewhere, well, that was a big relief. Our FOMO got turned way down.
There is no fear of missing out if the only thing to miss out on is catching a deadly virus.
For many of us, these pandemic times helped determine what's important to us (and what's not). Maybe we saw our lives clearly for the first time in a long time or maybe ever. Maybe these times helped us find the language to say what we need, to set boundaries, to be honest about what caring for ourselves really looks like. Maybe we learned to say no and feel a little less bad about it, or not bad at all. Maybe our interactions with others were laced with more grace than before. We were all acutely aware that the pandemic (and all the other things that happened since the world shut down) was taking a toll on everyone in some way or another. Maybe we weren't sure, exactly, how our friends, family, and co-workers were being impacted, but we had a pretty good idea, because we were feeling it too.
So, let's take stock.
What did you learn about yourself during the pandemic?
What did you miss most when the world shut down?
What were you glad to do without?
What, if it never returned, would be A-OK with you?
What ways did you tend to and care for yourself that you want to make sure you keep doing?
Who or what drifted out of your life and you're okay with it?
Which relationships were strengthened during the pandemic and how will you keep those ties strong?
How did you learn to say what you need? How will you keep doing that?
What from the before times will you leave behind?
What will you create in the times to come?
Getting out there
I've also been hearing people say they are anxious about reentry. While going places and being with and around people again feels exciting and welcome (goodbye Zoom!), it also can feel a bit scary. Each of us gets to decide how we do this.
So let's check in about that too...
How do you want to ease back in?
Who do you feel safe with?
Who/where/what makes you feel unsafe?
Which activities do you feel ready for? Not ready?
What are three things you really want to do this summer?
Once we identify what we need and want, we will probably have to communicate it to others. Hopefully we will all extend each other understanding and grace and not give people a hard time if they're not ready for the things we might be ready for. It's okay to say no to invitations. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay if people get disappointed. You don't have to over-explain or try to get others to understand. As Anne Lamott says, “No" is a complete sentence.”
Maybe we can simply say things like:
Thanks for the invitation, but I'm not ready to socialize in groups yet.
I'm not going to restaurants (or wherever) right now.
I’d be more comfortable eating outside, would you be open to that?
I know I’m vaccinated, but I’m taking re-entry slow.
I know I said I’d be there, but I changed my mind.
We’re not ready for houseguests yet, but would love to see if you come to town.
I’d love to see you, what’s your comfort level with socializing right now?
For those of us venturing out this summer, maybe we can let it be however it is. There’s no correct way to feel. It might feel weird or awkward AND fun and exciting. I was talking to a pal today who I will see next month on a road trip. I told her to not be surprised if I just stop talking and stare off into the distance every once in a while, since I’m out of practice when it comes to in person social conversation. I also expect some anxiety when it comes to getting out of the bubble of safety I have created for myself over this past year. I am super excited. And kind of nervous. And that’s totally fine.
We all learned a lot about ourselves this last year, and we will continue to learn what we're each comfortable with, and not, as we venture out. Let’s be easy with each other, and ourselves.
Have fun out there. Or in there. Or wherever this summer takes you.
This originally appeared in my Summer 2021 email newsletter. To get on the list and receive this and other goodies in your inbox from time to time, sign up at the bottom of the home page pamdaghlian.com .