What's Here Now? Oops, I Did It Again
No/Yes illustration by Liana Finck
We all have an idea (and an ideal) of how we want to be in the world. And there’s usually a gap between how we are in reality and that ideal. Not to mention that so often how we are, what we choose, and what we do, are in opposition to how we want to be.
We say we want to eat more healthfully, but we don’t put the time in to plan our meals and do the required shopping and prep. We say we want to find a new job, but we don’t apply for any. We say we want to be more creative, but we don’t make anything. We say we want to save money, but we regularly buy things we don’t need. We say we want to set boundaries, but we keep letting people walk all over them. We say we want to get more sleep, but when it’s time for bed, we hit play on the next episode of the show we’re binge-watching.
We disappoint ourselves over and over again by choosing something other than the thing we want. Why do we do this?
Maybe we only think we want those things — maybe it’s really somebody else who wants them for us. Maybe we don’t know where to start, so we don’t. Maybe we’re scared, so we stay where it’s safe. Maybe we don’t want to disappoint others, so we disappoint ourselves instead. Maybe our reasons for wanting whatever it is we want aren’t powerful or meaningful enough to move us into action. Maybe what we want isn’t specific enough. Maybe changing our habits feels too overwhelming. Maybe we’re so used to letting ourselves down that we don’t believe we can actually follow through.
Think of something in your life that you want to change. Maybe it’s a goal or a dream you’ve put off forever. Maybe it’s something that’s been nagging at you or weighing you down that you know if you changed you’d be happier. Maybe you’ve noticed a pattern or a habit that isn’t serving you. Now, let me ask you some questions:
Why do you want to make this change? Is the answer to that question rooted in something you truly want for yourself or is it coming from an external should or a supposed to?
What’s important to you about this change you want to make? How is it meaningful to you?
Have you tried to make this change in your life before? If it hasn’t stuck, what are the obstacles? What feels hard about it?
What are the ways you sabotage yourself?
What’s overwhelming or scary about this particular change for you?
What are the ways you are letting yourself down?
For as long as I can remember, exercise has felt like something I’ve had to do — had to because I was not a thin person. Exercise has always felt like a punishment. I can’t quite pinpoint the origin of this had to story, but a good guess might be my grandmother, who was very physically active, and petite, well into her eighties. I don’t remember her telling me directly that I should exercise to be thin, but that’s the message I internalized. She was always trying to coax me into getting up and doing something. I usually opted for a few minutes on the bongo board she had on her sunporch. Throughout my life, I’ve gone through phases of being devoted to working out and dieting. There was a period in middle school where I bounced around to exercise classes on television. In high school, there was a stretch where I wanted to be a body builder (which may have had less to do with being thin and more to do with the fact that I was reading books about serial killers at the time). My senior year, I went a place called The Diet Center where I got weighed in every morning before school. In college I used to drink a pot of coffee and do boisterous aerobics in my bedroom (so heart healthy!). Whatever I was up to, it wasn’t sustainable — and I still didn’t like the way I looked, so what was the point?
I know I want to do what I can to avoid the heart problems, strokes, diabetes, and dementia that have plagued my family as they age. My reason for being active has shifted from looking better (which was not a powerful enough reason for it to stick), to I want to be healthy for as long as possible. I turned fifty this year, those health problems feel less like a someday thing and more like a right around the corner probability. I told myself this was the year I would find something I liked doing and I would do it. So, I set an intention. I’ve tried a few things that I gave up on in the months since I turned fifty. Then I saw an ad online for a thirty-day challenge thing — it was free, no was equipment needed, and a muscled woman with tattoos was going to walk me through the moves. I don’t know why I clicked on it — intuition, maybe. I signed up without much thought. And then I did the exercises for day one. Then for day two and three, and before I knew it, fifteen days had gone by. I looked forward to each day’s workout. WHICH BLEW MY FRICKIN’ MIND! I loved the feeling of strength I was building. I loved feeling like I was keeping a promise to myself — and my future self. I made it through all thirty days and then signed up for a ninety challenge. I am learning how to incorporate working out into my life in a way that doesn’t feel like a punishment. Now it feels like just another thing I do that’s good for me, like flossing my teeth and contributing to my retirement fund. It’s about feeling healthy and strong instead of fitting some external ideal.
Recently, I read about the transtheoretical model of behavior change, or the stages of change. I like this framework because it makes change seem more manageable and predictable — and possible. Stage one is pre-contemplation — I’m not ready, nor do I intend to take any action. Stage two is contemplation — I’m starting to wonder about making a change. Stage three is preparation — I’m ready! and I’m probably taking some small steps toward changing my behavior. Stage four is action — I’m doing it! I’m making new habits. Stage five is maintenance — I’m sustaining the changes I’ve made for at least six months, this is now a way of life for me.
Another force at work in that gap between how I am and how I want to be, is resistance. Often, our resistance to change is working behind the scenes in our subconscious. What we’re used to, what we know — those strong forces flex their muscles to get us to return to the familiar, the comfortable — just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in! It’s common to allow ourselves to be lured back to our old ways. Change is uncomfortable, the familiar is seductive. Change requires commitment and experimentation and persevering when things don’t go as well or as fast as you want them to.
When I’m in resistance, especially with my creative work, I revisit what Stephen Pressfield writes about resistance in The War of Art: Like a magnetized needle floating on the surface of oil, resistance will unfailingly point to true North — meaning that calling or action it most wants to stop us from doing. We can use this. We can use it as a compass. We can navigate by resistance, letting it guide us to that calling or action that we must follow before all others. Rule of Thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.
So, think about the change from earlier and check in with these questions:
Which stage of change do you think you’re in right now?
Where is there resistance and what is it pointing you toward?
If you were to take two steps across that gap between where you are now and where you want to be, what might those steps be?
What commitments will you make to yourself?
What will you do if it gets hard, if the resistance kicks up?
Who in your life can you team up with for support or accountability?
Creating change in our lives can be tricky and uncomfortable. We’re working against entrenched habits and invisible brain forces. I believe it requires experimentation and self-compassion. I believe it requires a ‘try again’ attitude when we fail to follow through on a particular day. I believe it requires committing to change for reasons that are truly important to you. Sometimes it might require healing an old wound. But I know it’s totally possible, and worth it. I see my clients make changes every day.
So, turn that oops, I did it again, into simply, I DID IT AGAIN!
This originally appeared in my Summer 2019 email newsletter. To get on the list and receive this and other goodies in your inbox before they go up on the blog, sign up at pamdaghlian.com/newsletter