What's Here Now? Gratitude, Dude.
I remember the first time someone told me about practicing gratitude. I was all, whatever, you hippie weirdo.
This was back before I worked with my first coach, before I trained to become a coach myself. This was back when I was busy being a judgmental jenny and a negative nancy (no offense to all the jennies and nancies out there — you’re great!).
There is no shortage of takes on why we should have an ‘attitude of gratitude’. I’m not going to tell you how to do gratitude. I’m not going to promise you your life will feel better if you start wearing gratitude glasses. I’ll let you discover or decide (or debunk or discard) those things for yourself. I will tell you what it means to me, though.
To me, gratitude is about paying attention — and choosing where to point that attention.
I have always been an attention-paying person. Until five or six years ago, much of what caught my attention were things that were wrong — the guy on the train wearing a backpack the size of a lazy boy. WRONG! The co-worker who snapped gum like it was her job. SO WRONG! The person ahead of me at the grocery store who wasn't paying attention and holding up the line. OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME? LET’S BLAST HIM TO THE MOON! I noticed when the bus took too long to arrive, when someone behind me in the movie theater was whispering, when someone made a grammatical error (IT’S I COULDN’T CARE LESS, DUHHHH!). I noticed toe tappers, lip smackers, loud yakkers, stale crackers, rule hackers (and I would have rolled my eyes hard at anyone who wrote a sentence like that last one). ALL WRONG!
The result of all this noticing? I was annoyed and angry much of the time. I lived in my grievances, both petty and grand. And if you’re looking for things to be annoyed by, there will never be a shortage. What was on short supply, though, was joy.
I didn’t set out specifically to stop looking for things to be aggrieved by, but if I think back to working with my first coach six years ago, I can see the beginnings of my attention shifting. We spent a lot of session time talking about what was here right now, in this present moment — instead of blaming things or people in my past or focussing on the ‘what ifs’ of the future — I began to see other things that were there all along, things I didn’t notice because I was tuned to the Everything Sucks channel.
See that photo at the top of this section? I was walking my dog one afternoon and I stopped in my tracks at the sight of that flower. Look at that thing! Isn’t it spectacular? The colors, the shapes, the textures! Appreciating the beauty of that thing made my whole day better. I still think about that flower months and months later. Seeing it made me curious about other flowers — so now when I walk my dog, I’m actively hunting for other fabulous flora. I have favorites around my neighborhood and my dog and I visit them regularly. I am grateful for those plants. And grateful that I have the capacity to feel gratitude. I’m stuck in a gratitude loop. It’s kind of nice in there.
Here are some other things I’m grateful for right now:
Rain and the fresh air it has ushered in after thirteen days of smoky skies here in Northern California.
Story makers. I am so grateful for those who share their stories, whether in novels or memoirs or poetry or photography or newspapers or tv shows or movies or songs or podcasts or comedy routines or facebook posts. Keep them coming!
Teachers. I am grateful for those who were assigned to me and those I have sought out. You have all made a big difference in my life.
Friends. How cool is it that there are people out there who choose you? Something about you makes them want you in their lives. I am also grateful I get to be a friend. Choosing people is pretty cool too.
Dogs. I am beyond grateful for my dog Gus and dogs in general that it often makes me teary. Dogs are just the best. They are also friends. And sometimes, teachers. TRIPLE G-bomb!!!
Red shoes. Freckles. Soul Train. Jokes. Science. Eyeglasses. Houseplants. Mail carriers. Butter. Elastic waist pants. Texts from friends. Redwoods. Hairstylists. Artists. Ranch dressing. Tacos. Canoes. Facts. Beer. Animal videos. Popcorn. Weirdos. My family. Daydreams. You, reading this.
Being grateful on the regular doesn’t make me a pollyanna or mean that I’m in denial about hard and unpleasant things. I look at whether I can find something to be grateful about in the hard thing. My mom has dementia. It is very sad and often hard. The person she used to be has disappeared. But, I am grateful for the experience because it has brought about a lot of healing in my family. I am grateful for the good caretakers at her facility and the affection and kindness they show her.
Nor does being grateful mean that I’m okay with everything. Let’s take racism and sexism as an example. Yes, generally speaking, we are a less racist and sexist culture than we used to be, say 50 years ago (and toss other -isms and phobias in here too). I am grateful for the strides made. While I am grateful it’s better than it used to be, I am clear-eyed about how it can be better still. I am grateful for that clear-eyedness. I am grateful for all the avenues we have to push further change. And I am grateful for the pushers and those who support them. Push it real good! (aren’t you grateful you have that song stuck in your head now?).
Gratitude isn’t just a feeling. Often it becomes action. I am grateful for the planet. I want to protect it, so I will fight for it. I am grateful for my good health, so I will do what I can to maintain it (okay, maybe I have a ways to go on that one). I am grateful for my privilege, I will use it to help others.
When I was tuned to the Everything Sucks channel, well, things kind of sucked for me and I couldn’t really envision a world where things didn’t suck. I was stuck in the suck. Now that I am tuned to the OMG LOOK AT THAT FLOWER! channel, I am constantly struck by things surprising and delightful and humorous and moving and gorgeous.
When I started working with that coach six years ago, she asked me something like this: if you could do anything, anything at all, what would you do, where would you go? When I scanned my brain for an answer, I came up empty. There was nothing. A big black void. If I check in with that question now, I get a confetti pop of answers. It’s a circus of ideas up in there.
For me looking at things through a lens of gratefulness has made a huge difference in how my days feel. And how my days feel add up to how my life feels.
What channel are you tuned into?
This originally appeared in my November 2018 email newsletter. To get on the list and receive this and other goodies in your inbox, sign up at pamdaghlian.com/newsletter