What's Here Now? Looking Back On My Five Years As A Coach

[photo credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ollycoffey/44178312761]

Five years ago this week, I started coaching my first paying clients. Soon after, I left my marketing job at a design firm and opened my own coaching practice.

Today, many clients and hundreds and hundreds of sessions later, there are themes that have come up again and again.

(It may be worth noting before you read on, that most of my clients work in creative fields, about 80% are women, and almost all of them are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. And the majority are scattered across urban centers in the US and Europe.)

This list could have been much longer, but here are some of the most common things I have experienced as a coach over these last five years. I bet you’ll recognize yourself in some of them.

We let shoulds rule our lives

Should might be the word I hear most from my clients. So many of us find ourselves disconnected from what’s truly important to us, from what we want, and in many cases, from who we really are. We are busy following the shoulds prescribed to us by our families, our cultures, experts and ‘experts', our inner critics — they come from everywhere. We feel at the mercy of the desires and rules of others. But when we start pulling at the threads of these shoulds, when we start identifying where they come from, and begin asking what we want instead, the hold they have on us starts to unravel.

Fear is should's wingman

We are afraid — of being vulnerable, of making mistakes, of getting something wrong. We worry we’ll make a bad decision, we’re fearful of taking risks, of connecting with others, of going for it, of being ourselves. We are terrified of being hurt or embarrassed. This fear can keep us small and complacent. We can end up feeling stuck. I often hear people describe themselves as feeling like they are trapped in a box. Often, all it takes is a little curiosity about your fear to start understanding it and to begin the process of climbing out of that box.

We wait for permission

I love it when people realize that (usually) the only permission they need is their own.

We feel alone

Clients tell me all the time that they feel weird, like they are the only one with their particular struggle. And because they feel alone in their struggle or weirdness, they don’t really talk about it with anyone, which compounds their isolation. The thing about you that you think is weird? Not so weird! Maybe it’s even the thing that makes you awesome. And I guarantee you, there are others dealing with the same things you are.

We are mean to ourselves

Most of us are really hard on ourselves. Unjustly so. Our self talk is savage, and usually, untrue. We are so much more willing to believe shitty things about ourselves than we are positive or loving things. We accept, without much evidence, that there is something wrong with us. But when we choose to be softer, to talk about and think well of ourselves, to view ourselves as okay as we are — cool things start to happen.

We make things harder than they have to be

Sometimes we can’t find the answer, or we can’t see the next step because we’re overthinking things, or we’re introducing all the what ifs, or we’re worried about what people will think. So many of us believe that if something is easy, then it’s cheating somehow. But if we ask ourselves, what if it were easy? what would you do? as one of my coaches once asked me, the answer is usually right there, waiting for us.

Authenticity feels aspirational

Another word I hear a lot is authentic. We want to be more fully ourselves. We see it and appreciate it in others, but it feels like an unreachable state to so many of us. Or we don’t feel brave enough to be who we are out loud. Somewhere along the way we became a version of ourselves that feels untrue, or true-ish — not quite right. People are longing to show up in the world as who they really are. And the world is waiting for you to do so!

(Maybe the most important piece of feedback I received as a coach is from one of those first paying clients I worked with, who was a former work colleague. As a new coach, I was trying to do everything by the book, to come across as professional and careful, which meant I turned the volume down on my personality. This client told me, when we’d wrapped up, that he wished I had put more Pam into our coaching. From then on, I did.)

Perfection is a prison

Man, do we constrain ourselves with perfectionism! We’re not allowed to make mistakes, we don’t allow room for being messy or experimentation. We don’t allow ourselves to be beginners, to not know something. We compare ourselves to others constantly. Whatever we do, we’re not good enough. Having to be perfect keeps many of us from trying in the first place. And, we miss out on all the learning that messiness and experimentation bring.

We get locked into certain way of looking at a thing

This happens all the time, we get myopic in how we look at an issue. And if there is only a narrow way to view a situation, it’s hard to see a way out of it. Or we feel we lack choices, and so we stay where we are, mentally or physically. Resentment can build. We can become apathetic, depressed, even. But when you expand your view, a whole world of options can open up.

We think we need more time

Everything will be good when I have more time. I just need more time. I hear this a lot too. I’d argue we don’t need more time, but that if we’re more intentional with the time we have, life might feel more balanced. How do you actually spend your time? Doing what you want or what you feel obligated to do? Do you lack boundaries that will help protect your time? How much time is wasted on scrolling, scrolling, or working at home all evening when you could be spending it making art or reading books or out with friends — or whatever it is you tell yourself you don’t have the time to do? How often are you saying yes to things you’d rather say no to? How is your behavior contributing to burn out? Are the things that make you feel most fulfilled getting short shrift?

We usually know what to do

We just don’t know that we know, the knowing is obfuscated, hidden behind shoulds or fear or disconnection from what is important to us. Or the thing we know feels hard or overwhelming and so we avoid it. But all it takes, usually, is a few questions to clear the fog, and beyond the fog is clarity.

People can, and do, transform

I see it everyday. Of course, the more you put into your coaching experience, the more you get out of it. But, what I’ve observed from doing this work over these last five years is that once you introduce someone to a couple of tools, they take them and run. I’m constantly astonished at how quickly my clients take what we talk about in our sessions and go back into their lives and shake shit up. Sometimes, the transformation needs to percolate for a time before people make the changes they want to make. However long it takes someone, one thing I hear often are comments like, I feel like my brain got rewired.

We could all use a coach in our corner

Hiring a coach is one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. And as a coach, I constantly am reminded of how valuable this work is. It is powerful to have a safe place to explore your struggles, to be vulnerable with someone who will not judge you. It is powerful to have someone who believes in you and will cheer you on and challenge you to be the version of you that maybe you can’t yet see. It can be thrilling to move toward the things you want. Each little step shows the way toward a next step, and another. It is transformational to have someone helping you see how you get in your own way and be curious with you about how you might try something different.

And for me, it has been thrilling to be with my clients as they become leaders in their fields, as they write their books and make their films, as they start companies or leave toxic workplaces for those that are more humane. As they make art, start podcasts, move across the globe, fight for what they believe in, or find love. Or simply gain a deeper understanding of who they are, what they want, and what’s really important to them.

In many of the first conversations I have with new clients, I hear worry that working with me is selfish, or that they shouldn’t need help figuring things out. Who says you have to go it alone? Who says spending time and money trying to deepen what you know of yourself is a bad thing? Who says having support while you accomplish your goals is silly?

Seriously? Who says that — bring them to me and I will set them straight! (wink, wink)

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This originally appeared in my February 2019 email newsletter. To get on the list and receive this and other goodies in your inbox, sign up at pamdaghlian.com/newsletter