This was supposed to be a monthly newsletter. I put one out in September and October and November, and now it’s January.

What happened to December? I had a topic in mind. I had a client interview lined up. And then I got five new clients in the same week (which is very awesome, but meant things like writing this got pushed further down on my list of priorities). And then the holidays came. And then family visited. And then it was well into January. That’s when the part of me that likes to point out all the ways I’m doing it wrong (let’s call her Tabbie), started in with her admonishments.

You told people it was monthly. They’re going to think you’re unreliable and unprofessional. (stab stab)

You used to work in marketing, why don’t you have an editorial calendar, you dummy. (stab stab stabby stab)

You have no discipline. About writing, or anything. (stabstabSTABstabstab)

Nobody reads this stupid thing anyway, you should just stop doing it. (stab twist of the shiv stab)

And then Stabby Tabbie really went to town and started attacking my appearance, my bank account, my lunch choices. She scolded me for not sending holiday cards this year, for not liking parties, for not being more ambitious, for watching tv, for that typo I made in 1997 — a favorite topic of hers. Her final cut was yelling at me for not being taller. She was on a roll, that Tabbie.

But then the part of me that is warm-hearted and kind about what I’m up to (let’s call her Franny) stepped in and knocked the shiv out of Tabbie’s hand (hmm, maybe I’ve been watching too many prison shows). Franny the Forgiver shows up when I need reminding that I don’t have to be perfect, or even half-way perfect. In fact, she prefers imperfection. She understands that I’m human and to be human is to mess up from time to time, and that sometimes the things I think are messing up, actually aren’t mess ups at all. This newsletter, for example — nothing bad will happen if I don’t send it out every 30 days. Most of you probably didn’t even notice. And if you did, I bet you were more curious than upset. And if you were upset, well, Franny knows that you can’t please all the people all the time. Then she told me to write about forgiving ourselves.

What’s required of us to get to that self-forgiving place?

For me, it’s a combination of objectivity, non-judgement, kindness, compassion, humor, curiosity, and acceptance. It’s reminding myself that I can try again tomorrow. Sometimes, what’s required is letting something go, or remembering that the pressure I’m feeling is something I’ve created for myself. Sometimes it’s adjusting my expectations. Sometimes it’s getting real about the ways I’ve disappointed myself (or others) and identifying ways to make myself proud again.

We are so hard on ourselves, aren’t we? We act as our own bullies, we berate and beat up on ourselves. We have an overcoat with shivs of all kinds pinned into the lining. For so many of us, it’s hard to feel capable or motivated when we’ve lost so much ‘blood’.

It doesn’t have to be so.

For me, the thing that makes forgiving myself possible is that I like myself. As I am. Not when I get to a perfect weight. Not when there are more zeroes in my bank account. Not when I fix all the things. I like myself right now — extra pounds, stubborn midlife zits, procrastination tendencies and all. Which is a relatively new development. It took time and work to get to this place (it started when I hired my first coach seven years ago).

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be stabby toward someone I like.

How does being kind to myself show up? Sometimes in weird ways. One example from a couple of years ago: I was getting into the shower and I glanced down at my thigh as I lifted my leg to step into our clawfoot tub. Instead of a wave of revulsion and shame — which were common responses in the past — I thought, huh, I bet my thigh is about the size of a bulldog puppy. And I instantly had good feelings toward myself, because it’s really hard to hate a puppy.

What do you need to forgive yourself for? What would it take for you to be able to do so? How will you begin?

This originally appeared in my January 2019 email newsletter. To get on the list and receive this and other goodies in your inbox, sign up at pamdaghlian.com/newsletter

What's Here Now? Drop The Shiv! Forgive (yourself)

This was supposed to be a monthly newsletter. I put one out in September and October and November, and now it’s January.