Six Tips For Talking To People You Love But Disagree With
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I grew up in a conservative small town in the midwest. The majority of my family leans faithful and conservative. I have always leaned the other way.
Talking about our differing politics and beliefs has never been easy. There were some spectacular arguments during the Bush years. Right now, it’s more of a minefield than ever. Over the past year and a half, I’ve been experimenting, using my coaching skills to be in conversation with people I love who have different values and beliefs than I do.
Some of this experimenting has gone well and some has blown up in my face. Maybe what I’ve learned can help you — no mater which way you lean — stay in conversation with the important people in your life with whom you have great differences.
I should note that there are certain people with whom this may not work, like nazis, for example. And it’s totally your choice to stay away from topics like these or to not have these people in your life if that’s what’s best for you.
But, if you want to open or reopen the lines of communication, here are a few things that have worked for me.
Be sober.
One of my botched attempts occurred after a few drinks while watching the 2016 Republican National Convention. Not only did our conversation not go well, it got pretty heated. In addition to being buzzed, neither of us were invested in understanding each other. We were angry and blaming. We each wanted to be right. We ended up with nothing but bad feelings.
Expect (and be willing) to be uncomfortable.
These conversations are hard. You might hurt each other’s feelings or piss each other off. You might wish you’d said something different. You might feel super awkward. Expect and accept it and keep going anyway.
Set ground rules.
Create the space for the kind of discussion you want to have. I was recently in my hometown, hanging out with an older family member. I was super curious to know what he thought of our current president since he’d voted for him. He was curious about what I thought about a bunch of things, any number of which could have sent me into a rage attack.
But we agreed on a few things before we got going:
Our relationship was more important than politics
We acknowledged that we consumed different news and information diets
We agreed that we were unlikely to change each other’s beliefs
If things got heated, we’d stop
Be curious. Don’t judge.
This one can be hard, but it is probably the most important. Whatever is said, don’t judge it, try to look at it with detachment and then try getting curious about it. When this older family member said something about immigration, I didn’t dismiss him as uninformed or bigoted, which would have shut down our conversation and caused us both to dig into our positions further. I got curious. What about immigration was he concerned about? How did he think this impacted his life? Curiosity takes the conversation somewhere, it opens it up and gives it space.
Keep it about you.
He told me what he was concerned about, then in turn, I told him what concerned me about the immigration policies. This led us to talk about ‘islamic terrorism,’ which led us to talking about how I was far more worried about the kind of terrorism that is already taking place in this country, by Americans, against Americans. By using ‘I’ language and talking about myself, it cut down on moments of defensiveness. If I can understand and be respectful of what my family member is worried about and I can keep being curious, we have a better chance of coming away with a deeper understanding of one another. Or at least a better chance of not strangling each other at the dinner table.
Know that you probably have impact even if you can’t see it.
I have no illusions that members of my family will, after a conversation with me, suddenly change party affiliation or start protesting in the streets. But, I hope that the next time they think about one of the issues we discussed, they’ll remember my concerns and worries. I know I will think of theirs.
So, give it a go. Let it be awkward. Set the ground rules. Be curious. Don’t judge. Keep it about you. Lather, rinse, repeat.